How to approach these conversations
These questions are not a form to fill in on the second date. Nobody enjoys feeling interrogated, and the answers you get under pressure are rarely the most honest ones. Instead, let the topics come up naturally as the relationship deepens. Some will surface early, such as observance or where you want to live. Others, like finances or in-laws, usually make more sense once you are both seriously considering marriage.
Listen as much as you speak. The goal is not to win a debate but to understand how the other person thinks, what they care about, and how flexible they are. And if you reach a topic where you feel stuck, there is no shame in asking for help: many couples find it valuable to talk things over with a rabbi, a rebbetzin or a trusted mentor who knows them both.
1. Observance, today and tomorrow
Start with where each of you stands religiously, but don't stop there. Observance is not static. Some people become more observant over the years, others relax certain practices, and major life events such as children or a move often bring changes.
Ask each other: Where do you see yourself in ten years? What would you do if one of us changed direction? How important is it that we grow together rather than side by side? Honest answers here prevent many painful surprises later.
2. Shabbat and kashrut at home
Two people who both "keep Shabbat" may picture very different Saturdays. Get into the practical details: Will the home be fully shomer Shabbat? Will you host guests every week? Is using the phone or driving an issue for either of you?
The same goes for kashrut. Which hechsherim do you rely on? Separate meat and dairy dishes? What about eating out, or eating at the home of relatives who keep kosher differently, or not at all? These are everyday questions, which is exactly why they matter.
3. Children and their education
Do you both want children, and roughly how many? How soon? Beyond these basics, discuss how you imagine raising them. Jewish day school, yeshiva, a state religious school in Israel, a public school with supplementary Jewish education? What role will Torah study, Hebrew, and secular education play?
Education choices often reflect deeper values, so this conversation tends to reveal a lot about how each of you sees the future.
4. Where to live, including aliyah
Location shapes almost everything: community, schools, careers, proximity to family. Talk openly about whether you want to stay in your current city, move closer to one family, or make aliyah. If Israel is part of the plan, ask when, where, and how firm the plan is. A shared dream of "someday" is very different from a concrete timeline.
If you are considering Israel, our Israel page gives an overview of Jewish dating across the country.
5. Family roles and in-laws
How do you see the division of responsibilities at home, from cooking and cleaning to childcare and finances? There is no single right answer, but it helps to know whether your expectations match.
Discuss your families too. How involved are your parents in your life? How often do you expect to visit, and where will you spend the holidays? Healthy boundaries with both families, set early and together, are one of the quiet foundations of a strong marriage.
6. Money and finances
Money is one of the most common sources of tension in any marriage, precisely because people rarely talk about it beforehand. Share your general situation honestly, including savings and debts. Then discuss your attitudes: Are you a saver or a spender? Will you have joint or separate accounts? How do you approach tzedakah and maaser?
Also consider the big-ticket items: buying a home, paying school tuition, supporting a spouse who is learning, or helping aging parents.
7. Careers and time together
What are your professional ambitions, and how much time and energy do they require? Is one of you planning further studies, a career change, or long periods of learning in kollel? How do you imagine balancing work, family and personal time, especially once children arrive?
This question is less about the job itself and more about priorities. It is worth knowing whether you both value the same rhythm of life.
8. Community and synagogue
For many Jewish families, the community is a second home. What kind of shul do you want to belong to? Ashkenazi, Sephardi, Chabad, a mixed community? How involved do you want to be in its life: attending on Shabbat, volunteering, taking on responsibilities? The community you choose will influence your friendships, your children's friends, and your religious growth.
9. Holidays and family traditions
Couples from different backgrounds bring different traditions: Ashkenazi, Sephardi or Mizrahi customs, different nusach in prayer, different foods and melodies on Pesach and Rosh Hashanah. Kitniyot on Pesach is a classic example that many mixed couples have to discuss.
These differences can be a great source of richness. Talk about which customs matter most to each of you, whose minhagim you will follow, and how you will honor both families' heritage. A rabbi can help you understand the halachic side of adopting one tradition or another. Our pages on Sephardic dating and Ashkenazi dating explore some of these nuances.
10. Health and genetic screening
Certain genetic conditions are more common in some Jewish populations. For this reason, many couples choose to do carrier screening before or early in a serious relationship. Some Orthodox communities use Dor Yeshorim, a confidential program that tells two people whether they are genetically compatible without revealing individual results. Others use carrier screening offered through their doctor or health system, which in Israel is widely available.
Whether and when to test is a personal decision. It is worth discussing openly, ideally with a doctor or genetic counselor, and, if you wish, with your rabbi. More broadly, it is wise to share any significant health matters with a serious partner at an appropriate stage, with sensitivity and discretion.
Bonus: how do we handle disagreement?
Every couple disagrees. What matters is how. Ask each other how conflicts were handled in your families growing up, and what you would like to do the same or differently. Do you need time to cool off, or do you prefer to talk things through right away? Would you be willing to seek outside help, from a rabbi, a mentor or a counselor, if you hit a difficult patch?
The goal is not to agree on everything before the wedding, but to know that you can talk about anything after it.
You can also watch how disagreements play out while you are dating. Small frictions over plans or schedules are a useful preview of how you will handle bigger ones.
Conclusion
These ten questions are not a test to pass, and you don't need identical answers to every one of them. What you need is honesty, a willingness to listen, and enough common ground on the big issues to build a shared Jewish home. Take them gradually, over the course of your dating, and don't hesitate to involve a rabbi or mentor you both trust.
On ShidduchMatch, many of these topics, including observance, Shabbat, kashrut, children, geography and lifestyle, are part of the two-way compatibility score, so you can start conversations with people whose basics already align with yours. Learn more about Jewish marriage or see how ShidduchMatch works.
Behatzlacha on your journey!