Traditional shidduch
In a traditional shidduch, a third person, the shadchan (or shadchanit), a relative, a friend or a rabbi, suggests a meeting between two people they know. Even before the first date, references are requested on both sides: people ask about character, family and religious practice. The meetings are structured and aimed at marriage from the outset, often with clear communication between families or intermediaries about how things are going.
Its strength: the trust of someone who knows both sides, and a clear framework. Its limit: the choice is restricted to the shadchan's circle, and the wait can be long. For details, see our shidduch page and our complete guide to the modern shidduch.
Online Jewish dating
On an online platform you take the initiative: you create a profile, look at suggestions, and choose whom to contact or whether to be contacted. A serious platform asks precise questions (observance, values, life goals) to limit meetings that go nowhere.
Its strength: a much wider choice, beyond your immediate circle, and some independence in the pace. Its limit: no third party who knows the people, so no natural references. It is up to you to ask for them and stay alert. We detail the criteria in How to Choose a Jewish Dating Site.
The differences at a glance
- Who makes the introduction? Shidduch: a third person. Online: you, through your profile.
- The choice: Shidduch: limited to the intermediary's network. Online: much wider.
- References: Shidduch: requested as a matter of course. Online: you ask for them yourself.
- Pace: Shidduch: often more structured. Online: freer, so you have to structure it yourself.
- Role of families: Shidduch: often central. Online: varies, depending on your choice.
Which one should you choose?
It depends on your background, your approach and your situation. In some communities, traditional shidduch is the natural path and is enough. In others, especially when your local community is small, when you have just moved, or when you are looking in a country where you have few ties, online dating genuinely widens the possibilities.
You do not have to choose. Many people combine both: they tell those around them that they are looking, accept suggestions from a shadchan, and join a platform. What matters is keeping the same level of seriousness in each.
Taking the best of both
Several habits from traditional shidduch work very well online: asking for references, involving a trusted person or a rabbi in your thinking, moving forward with a clear goal, and knowing how to say no respectfully. In turn, online dating brings shidduch more openness and more independence in your choices.
That is the spirit of ShidduchMatch: free sign-up, a compatibility score based on your answers (observance, personality, lifestyle, life goals), and a mutual match before any conversation. See how it works in how it works, and read How to Meet Serious Jewish Singles: 7 Practical Tips.
Three real-life situations
Rachel, 28, lives in a small community. Her shadchan has run out of suggestions. She joins an online platform to widen her circle, while staying in touch with her shadchan.
David, 34, has just moved to a new city. He has no local network yet. A platform lets him meet people in his area while he builds relationships on the ground.
Sarah, 42, is divorced. She prefers to stay discreet and set the pace herself. Online dating gives her that independence, and she asks for references before every serious meeting.
What role for parents and family?
In traditional shidduch, parents are often involved from the start. Online, you decide when to involve them. Many people choose to tell their family once a relationship becomes serious, and to introduce the other person after a few meetings. There is no single rule: what matters is moving forward openly, and respecting each person's pace.
Frequently asked questions
Can you marry someone you met online?
Yes. What matters is not where the first meeting happened, but the quality of what you build afterward: real meetings, references, time, and the advice of people you trust.
Does a shadchan charge a fee?
It varies by community and by person. Ask your rabbi or those around you.
Key takeaways
- Shidduch brings trust and structure; online dating brings choice and independence.
- You do not have to pick one: combining them is common and works well.
- Whatever the path, ask for references and keep a clear goal.
- Involve family and a rabbi when it helps you, at the pace that suits you.
Shidduch and online dating are not opposites. They answer the same wish, to build a home, along two paths that can meet.